you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
