WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
cat food counts as protein by the way
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
