we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
The police scanner is talking about you again....
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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