woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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