I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
