dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
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