one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
