how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
This is my gift to your gina
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
