I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
