I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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