so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
