This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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