Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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