UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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