I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
