Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
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