after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
