I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
