there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
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