haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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