you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Randomize
