I just saw a hot homeless man
She bit a glass in half.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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