If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
