I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
