My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
