he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
