A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
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