I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
