I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
