My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize