there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize