I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
