you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
