in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
