an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
You have to summon your inner elephant
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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