why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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