He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
