Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Randomize
