i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
