The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize