I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
