Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
