tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
