awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
