That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
