i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
