Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
