you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
