There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
