You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
bring money and cleavage
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
