Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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