i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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