I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
