Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
