The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
