No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
