so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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