I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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