Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
