Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
