Why does Corona taste like a burp?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize